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February 11, 2009

I'm having a school girl moment


Remember that giggly feeling after your crush talks to you? Or keeping your composure for a bit, as he slightly pauses around where you're sitting? Or you find yourself gamely gushing over his simple jokes?

Yes! I'm feeling them again. Being an unattached single mom in my 30s, it's refreshing to NOT think about Jeanina and work for a change. This isn't making me a bad mom is it? We all need a fresh break from our Mommy modes every once in a while. Believe me, this is quite a while! So I'm  REALLY making a big deal out of it. I'm having this once-in-a-blue-moon fuzzy moment, so bear with me guys! (hehe) Just puke on the side if you can't take it.

Well admittedly, I crush on men often especially with obvious physical attractiveness. V is this mestizo-chinese guy with inexplicable sexy appeal and a nice physique. But when I found out he couldn't spell a certain "viand" word...big OOPS! Plus his money issues at work are simply a big turn off. Of all things, money sets how you are as a person in so many ways so....V is ticked off now. Another would be N, nice and quiet kind of guy. A friend of a friend's husband. He's more the dude at the backside of the group just laughing at people's jokes and on rarities can be conversational too. He has these "kanto" terms though , that i find amusing but obviously got me into thinking. If we would have a one-on-one conversation in the future, would it go "my kind" of way? Hmm...Next!

But apart from these occasional "crushes" going on around in my head, somehow Y's presence (no matter how infrequent) and oftentimes work-related, intrigues me. Y is not a hunk nor a "great looker". I've worked with him several times and i find his humor 'spot on' - which scores a biggie for me. He's cool. He's smart. He's confident of himself without being overbearing. He loves to drink, and I do too!  But above all, I love how his BRAIN works. Conversations with him flow so natural. If work talk surfaces he'd swift by it too without sounding "too" know it all. His subdued and unflirtatious (is there such a word?) demeanor lures me into liking him a lot more. So after that "work day" with him, I can confirm that he is my MAJOR crush.

If i were to summon the "law of attraction" for this part of my life....I really will with all my heart and all my brain cells. Lord let him like ME too...plsss! :) haha this makes me sound pathetic does it? Well, for a single mom not actively INTO dating...or not having the opportunity to be asked out - THIS is all I got really. THIS one glimmer of hope that somebody will like me, despite my "should i say" confidence, sarcasm, straightforwardness and that "always busy" kind of facade that probably (I'm assuming again) shoos men away from thinking I'm a really fun, approachable lady who also thinks of dating them! I remember I was once told, men get attracted to women who exude the vibe of needing a man. Is that true? Cause if it is, I'm a goner! Gosh, that's another blog topic right?  Oh well, such are first impressions...anyways back to my school girl thoughts....(HAHA)

Regarding my "work day" with Y, there were some moments that bugged me. Is sitting beside me (in between breaks) an indication of "liking"? Is giving me a "forced" frown after a funny joke i blurted out a sign? Is telling me to stay over for work "in jest" even if I don't have to , a teensy weensy indication he likes being around me? 

Oh i will never know...but this is the exciting part isn't it?! Single moms like me need this!
Somehow after my "Stranger Ex", finding this familiar feeling of chemistry is not so easy to feel again. This is pretty refreshing. To feel giddy and just be happy in this little way. Sigh (smile).

Let's see where my summoning the universe will take me. To be continued....

February 9, 2009

Daring Duo


Nina and I attended the yearly Fiesta luncheon at my Tita Betty's place in Kamias. It was fun. Food and booze all around, as usual. Karaoke in full blast. Everything looked pretty perfect.

But amidst the busy, continuous flow of guests, there were two kids who added to my stress that day. Oh yes, who else. My daughter Jeanina and Diego (my brother's son). Sure kids are fun to watch, but boy their hyperactivity and noise? They ran around like there was so much space (but not). Their boisterous naruto and karate dialogues was overwhelmingly attention-grabbing to all - it made me cringe several times. Worse, my older brother just ignored them so my mom and I "tried-in-vain" to stop them from their ruckus. 

In public, they never just stop! No one could make them sit in one place. But in the privacy of our homes, you could at least control them and give them the major "wide eye" look that somehow (eensy weensy bit) makes their excited hormones settle down a bit. 

So I say to cousins and other titas, "ganyan talaga sila" (that's just how they are). So we discuss amusing facts about our kids instead, but "their noise" I couldn't ignore (arg). 

But inspite their obvious hard-headedness at times, they are actually such sweet ones.  Such is mothering a pre-schooler, you love bringing them to parties BUT when rowdiness starts, I think "I'd want to take you home NOW"! And I mean, seriously. Good thing, our family understands these kinds of "kiddo" things and just laughed off their frantic antics. 

February 8, 2009

It's 4:33am

And I'm still inspired to write. I have browsed through one of the more insightful single parenting blogs in the net by mssingglemama and now I am ready to share my thoughts to welcome strangers and a handful of trustworthy friends of mine.

I feel the need to make this blog. For me and my incessant need to express. For my friends, who yearn for familiar feelings and more encouragement. Parenting a child /children on your own is never a smooth nor a simple task. But it is also not lacking of those emotional lifts that comes with joyful moments of caring for those adorable little critters. (hehe) 

I love being a single mom and have embraced the ups and downs that comes with it, for six years now. Did that just pass me by too quickly? Not really. Jeanina and I have created wonderful memories for ourselves. The little joys spent at home goofing around or even the grander ones like trips out of town. Things which I intend to plan for every year that Jeanina will still enjoy spending with me. (yikes, teen years) No matter how feisty she can be, she's just as emotional and expressive as I am. (in private, though)

She does many things that still make my heart melt. Something that I really love about her. Like yesterday when I came home from a whole day of work (which is unusual, since last week I spent working days at home),  I sit beside her in the couch watching TV. We already finished our tight hugs and "i miss yous". She looks up at me and makes this queasy little noises as if she's controlling her giggles and about to explode. She grabs my arms with her two hands and squeezes me like a stuffed bear. I say, why baby? And she finally squeals, "Hmmmm! I reaaaally really misss you eh." Awww. She couldn't contain her feelings and just says it all over and over again. I continue reassuring her, "Stop missing me I'm here already". So we hug tight many times over until her fuzzy insides subside. Believe me, it took a while. (an hour?)

And i do miss her too. Too much sometimes, I realize. Just two days ago, I found myself suffering separation anxiety looking at her school bus run past by my car. I stopped and sat behind my steering wheel, wiping some tears off and some tinge of regret that I wasn't the one to shower and ready her for school that day. The only thing that comforts me though is, I work on my own time and I can come home earlier than other working moms do. Freelancing was a personal choice more than a career move and most of my friends know that. I would not change it any other way now.  In my past full-time post, I found myself leaving home too early to see her awake and coming home to find her fast asleep. In the end, it bothered me a lot and realized that was not what I wanted. I am all she has and I want to spend time with her. So my freelance path began and still making it for more than 3 years now.  

"So far, so good."

My Jeanina and me? We'll be having fun (at home) and going places....together. Can't wait for summer really!