My Bedtime Buddy

Now, it's my daughter. But when i was her age, i had my favorite Raggedy Ann.

I had to search for a photo to show her it's not as scary as the Ventriloquist doll in one horror film. In fact, she liked Raggedy Ann to bits. I wonder if there's one available in our malls yet?

My Raggedy Ann became all too frumpy and worn out to keep for her. Time to buy a new one for her then.

:)

Off to the mall I go....

When tired mommy wakes up....

I am greeted by a cutesie morning reply to my note, the night before.



The adorable author.


Love this moody girl to bits! :)

Getting my groove back

I AM DRINKING AGAIN! :) Oh yes....I say this, on a happy note.

"Amber droplets of delightful intoxication...
balancing a single mom's equilibrium. " (ahhh, lovely)

I bet that sounds pretty queer doesn't it? But if you've been a bar-hopping night creature person like myself, who guzzles down more than 5 bottles without counting AND asphyxiates her lungs 1 pack of cigs by day, then another at night.... then I am sure you know how THIS feels! After the past 2 months of recuperating from an intense acid reflux doctor advised me with certain diet no-nos like spicy & fatty foods, coffee, smoking, alcohol (big NOOO). I took the meds, ate well. My 2 months felt cleansingly pure...and healthy. It did me good especially that it silenced my acid-vomiting bouts , which was bothersome to the point I excused myself from a big presentation to puke out some acid. (ewww) It was not cute at all.

So fast forward to now, I'm back. Better and more "normal". I slowly eased into my drinking 3 wks ago at a really chill place called mogwai, the ambience was enough to urge me back to the this beer spin. So i took it slow and drank 3 bottles. The conversation was great, the intoxication buzzed my head mighty fine. And I have had a few swigs a few times a week since then. 

I love the feeling it gives me. It's an overall sense of balance I urgently needed. It's not that I wasn't happy at home with Nina, but we are never just parents. We are all individuals who need to "breathe" sometimes and relax. Our previous selves which should never be forgotten. 

My alcoholic groove is a part of who I really am. This is a part of me that I cannot part with easily. Back to the days of my swingin' single life, where it took me through my lowest of lows and greatest highs. The experience of course, paired with the company of chosen friends (or uhm BFs), amped with intriguing conversation and lots and lots of laughable moments (and ok, a sprinkle of wreckless behavior) that I will never regret...but rather cherish forever.

This golden drip of tipsiness will remain in my system for eternity. The aftermath of relaxing is enough to give me more vigor and enthusiasm to do what needs doing... and take care of what's important in life. Yep, our children.

KAMPAI!
Cheers!  :)
TAGAY!

THINKING Green : Paper journals

I love scribbling on paper. And these latter years, I've taken to sketching as a breather. It seems all my love of these things have rubbed off on Jeanina.

Every night now, she hounds me for paper.

So an idea struck me, I recycled all the huge, heavy, unused scrapbooks (gifted to me) and made them into hand-made paper journals for nina and me. This recycling bit has been bugging me nowadays, especially upon stumbling upon this great helpful DIY site that fills up my braincells - especially when free time abound in my freelance life, nowadays.

Now the finished product. Re-used an old gift ribbon to bind the pages.

Still with blank covers, but just experimented with different methods of binding for the 2 others. 

As for Jeanina's cover design, she has her own kiddie scribbles on it now. She yelped at the sight of the 2 journals (ribboned and handsewn) I made purposely for her.

Somehow, this is how one would look like complete. This one is mine. :) 

Awaiting my pen's menacing ideas, brilliant storyline or awkward doodles, perhaps? :)

Changing menus

I'm tired of Pinoy food. I mean I love it, and I've grown accustomed to all the adobos and sinigangs of this 3rd world...but there comes a time (when I have so much downtime, especially LIKE NOW!), I notice how our everyday menu can be so repetitive and should I say, predictable fare.

So to welcome a menu change, I decided to go dinner without rice for a change. I whipped up a sumptuous lasagna dish - in just one hour tops! Take note: I baked this only with my oven toaster, which is even greater. Surprisngly it was oh so simple! Thanks to a helpful videojug site i found online. 

For nina, the plateful of lasgana went with a Le Ceour hotdog half-sandwich (bought from Shang Mall earlier in the day). Nina's enjoyment was enough encouragement for me.


Mine, I partnered with my favorite Le Ceour garlice bread (buy 1 take 1, no less!) 

Domestic diva is on the prowl....(well for a few hours that is)... my potato gratin experiment wasn't bad either :)

Hmm...what next....?

My Daily Grind

Why is the dictionary important?

Why doesn't it snow here in the Philippines?

Why is Pres. Marcos a bad president?

How does Mama Rose (her great, great grandma) get so old?

Why do we always get the old things of Ninong (my older brother)? (Haha! This was a very interesting observation from her but it is quite true. Had to laugh at this, but explained "saving money" to her on a more serious note)

Did you choose me as your baby?

How did you get pregnant with me?

Why do Americans sometimes live here in the Philippines?

Why do we need to study?

What does God look like?

Why do people drink beer?

What does Ireland look like?

Why do we wake up, sleep again, then wake up and sleep again?  (I had a more difficult time with this than the "pregnant" question, more because it was introspective in nature. OMG if i get more of these, on a bad day, even I have to ask this question myself hehe.)

Oh yes, all from my 6 year old's restless mind. Endless brain teasers. Practically EVERYDAY. I bet so many parents can relate to this. Much harder for single parents though. When these hit you unexpectedly - other times I find it so cute, other times it's nerve-wracking (pregnant question) or just exasperating, this i admit. 

If i don't get to answer some "Challenger" questions, she irritatingly quips, "I thought you knew everything!". Smart aleck. Lol.

Come to think of it, maybe i overdid the classical music in the tummy bit. :)  But on the other hand, Jeanina may well be the most interesting GF conversation i could ever have in the future. The two of us guzzling down a few pints while viewing the sunset in Spain or Egypt. Not bad at all. 

Just bring on the questions, babe! 

It just hit me

Just when i am pondering on another full time job-searching saga. I get this... in my mailbox.



People whose employment detour was simply a way to see themselves differently. A familiar feeling that is close to my heart right now. This is just wonderful. Inspiring. 

My story differs in a small way though. I wasn't laid off. I voluntarily stepped out of the time-consuming and frenzied world of mainstream advertising, as a choice. A single mother's choice to be precise.

It came to a point where I asked myself, is it worth spending one more day getting the flak from a thankless boss instead of seeing my child awake when I come home at night? Then I think. I am working FOR her, but in my busyness I lose precious moments I should spend WITH her. What's the freaking point of that?!!

I remember how many cringed at my decision, even without a fallback in sight. Armed only with my solitary conviction, my head up high and a bigger smile even - i was liberated from all the "what-you-should-have-done" or "what-is-the-smarter-choice". I was a free person!

As the movie aptly said, for the first time in my life, I was a blank page. It was exciting to rediscover how I can scribble my life over...or maybe, sort of rewrite how I imagine it to be from hereon.

Right now, after 5 years or so of freelancing as advertising copywriter I discovered different sides of me and little achievements that amazes me:

- I have started a casting agency/talent agency business with my close cousin. (going on 2-3 years now)
- I can spend more time with Jeanina - morning, noon and nighttime.
- I have bought my first car and switched to my second one, just this year.
- I have been a stylist, a producer and writer all rolled into one!
- I am buying that CANON Digicam this year (when all blessings come my way) and probably be the photographer i really wanted to be.
- My boardroom is the coffee shop, or alright, my bedroom!
- I discovered I can draw! I'm on my third sketchpad now.
- I have had 5 blogs - but has decided to cut down to just 3.
- I tried selling real estate (not as a broker). Have yet to get that big break.
- I discovered I CAN cook!


The opportunities ahead are endless for many of us in this same predicament. My thought bubbles suddenly pop out....
Disney Pixar can still get me! I will meet Brad Pitt for a script reading! I am getting that bungalow house and big garden i always wanted! I will scriptwrite my own short film entry!

If this vid is a sign of greater things to come, then so be it. Who am I to complain??

:) 

Why I think I'm undate-able

What a term?? UN-DATE-ABLE...to make me more understood. Although I need it, and i sometimes yearn for a big chunk of warm body to snuggle up to - there are just some things about me that I "assume" make me not fit for dating, not just yet... but hopefully things will change soon. 

Let me count them, to make me even feel sorrier for myself. Haha. Kidding. Some are my own thoughts, some are unsolicited observations of close friends, as to why i don't  "attract" guys who would want to approach me.

1.  I look too busy, all the time. Even at a social setting, clients tend to call me and I text away while I try my hardest to be the social butterfly that I really am. While a new girl in the group asked a good guy friend of mine out on a salon trip for the guys' haircut, I curiously ask "why don't we go on haricuts together" or something like that. He replied simply, "Well you're always busy, arent you?". Big R. Realization. Pitfalls of single momminess, we have to earn our keep and say yes to clients and answer their calls. Ofcourse, there should be a time for leisure too. When at a party I remind myself, PUT DOWN THE PHONE BARBIE. lol.

2. I have opinions on every topic. In other words, people find me too brash or straightforward when I point out my thoughts on things. But what was I to do? I am really like that. I tried keeping quiet for a while... the night became boring! I can't do the "shy"...one-word reaction bit by the more serene girls. I can never just yes, I have my own opinion and i will air it. Not always disagreeingly though. I have been made to OWN the stage! Haha. so the guy needs to live with that, and love that about me.

3. My life is not an open book. Getting to know me, my life story and the real me - takes a really, really deep digging up about. I am not who you think I am. My desires go deeper than my exterior actions. My ex-boyfriends can attest to that. All the good, fuzzy and mysterious things about me - only they know. For new guys to get to REALLY know me, has to try harder and act like a police interrogator. I don't mind being probed. I love conversation , and I like knowing people to their core. If a new guys approaches me with a very personal question, but with the sincere vibe of knowing me beyond what the eye can see? Then he has successfully entered chapter one of my life's colorful, unending saga.

4. My charm goes, when my waistline goes. If i looked like the big girl on hairspray, and had a great sense of humor - i'm the clown. If i looked like Kate Hudson (or even the silhouette of hers) and act clumsy-funny -i'm the sexy, hot mama. So which boat should I be in? Case closed.

5. I should go out more. I work too much, okay maybe 70% of the time. I go out, for work. I dine out, for work. I talk on the phone, for work. Things have to change around here. Now as I'm writing this, I know that.

6. Intimidation Smictzhon. I have heard this too many times before. Maybe he's intimidated by you. So what, should I not walk with my chin up high? Or should I slump my back farther, to not look like much of a confident career woman? This i cannot figure out myself.

7. I act like I don't need a man. I do things on my own. I don't ask help from guy friends. I act like my life is well-planned (but it's not), complete (but still getting there) and no space for a man. Ergo, (like my best HS friend says) men sense that energy. If I act too independent, it tells them I am okay by my lonesome. I need more work on this part.

Do these sound familiar? I would really want to try and date soon. Apart from the very untraditional dating rituals nowadays, I may have a long warm-up phase before my dating life gets a much-needed jumpstart. 

Any suggestions on being a more dateable moi?

Mr. Sun was shining down on us

Finally, we hit the beach. After so many swimming pool weekends, a day trip to Nasugbu Batangas was a welcome respite. Good thing, me and my Highschool GFs are all on the same page - low-budget but high-intensity fun weekend was what we wanted. And that's what we got. Look at Nina's face here...all geared up, sandied up and smiling from ear to ear.Day trip at Munting Buhangin, Nasugbu Batangas. It was a great getaway find for family and like us, group of great friends. You get the same sand as Punta Fuego with lesser strain on the pocket. Plus a very affordable "cottage" rate, where you can grill to your heart's delight and bring your own food. (with no extra charge)

Seeing our kids together, sharing food and chit-chat was all we really need, what I badly wanted. I, for one, dipped into the cool batangas waters...wonderful. Just to say "nag-beach ako." Hehe. 

Taking in the great view. Feeling the wind against your face. Savoring the sand between your toes. Being in the comfort of your friends' company. Letting Nina explore the world some more. This is what summer is all about. 
Overnight at Casa Beltran, in Tagaytay. Ok, i just coined the name alright. It's a great friend's family house in Tagaytay, that our barkada has had the privilege of spending some fun moments in. Cottage-like resort house, with an expansive garden in front with playground and a backyard that extends so far, they've some vegetation which we enjoyed eating while there. Sarap diba?? We just love this place. (Thanks super Marn) Just mastering the "art of doing nothing"... we eat, update each other, sit around, click away, laugh a lot, chismis so much.

Til the next...

Mothers rule!

For a change, I'd like to post some funny quotes about us, Mommies, or "super women" as i'd prefer to call each and every woman I know who will go through hell and high water for their families.

I'm sure one or two passages would strike a familiar chord in you, so just have fun reading them!

"I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them." ~ Phyllis Diller

"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found." ~ Calvin Trillin

"A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie." ~ Tenneva Jordan

"A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie." ~ Tenneva Jordan

"Working mothers are guinea pigs in a scientific experiment to show that sleep is not necessary to human life." ~ Author Unknown

"My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it." ~ Mark Twain

"The phrase "working mother" is redundant." ~Jane Sellman

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
— Jack Nicholson

"My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance."
— Tim Allen

My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world and I can take you out."

"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. "
- Elizabeth Stone


The last quote, definitely resonates how Jeanina has been to me, way way before she came out of me. Despite the string of complexities my journey has brought into my life, I wouldn't have it any other way. I am a mother because of her and it's the greatest & craziest feeling in the whole wide world.

Nuff of the intrposection now! Hehe.
Kudos to my Mom and all my Mom friends!
Love you All! Mwah!

We should admit, we keep the world tidy and clean...or else, we'd be walking on mess and dirtied cotton swabs all around us. hehe, just saying!

HAPPY MOTHER's DAY!

Smarty pants on the prowl

She always does these kinds of things. She utters a word or MORE, to clear something up, to disagree with me, to explain what she knows versus what I know. In my past blogs, esp in facebook notes I have somehow painted a picture of how my little lovebug amuses me every single day. And she's just 6! Oh god, when she gets to her teens, i hope it's still amusing. Or i might just ground her for "talking back" at mom. Ha! I win!

Yesterday night was another "quotable" incident. We were plopped on our sofa, doing the lazy tv watching bit on a holiday (it was fun!) while we chat ourselves (on the side) forever :) 

Then we catch Spiderman 3 on HBO. She was excited and so am I! We love Spidey! I get a hearty laugh over Jameson. The effects are great. Sandman is a sad character and so is Harry dying in the end. (ok this is not a review, i should remind myself haha) 

Anyways, as Harry was dying after an action-spasmed moment with Sandman and Venom. When he heaved his last breath, with MJ and Spidey in tears. I was filled with true emotion and said, "Oh god he died??" (I have this habit of forgetting details in action movies i've already watched) Nina faces me, with a rational tone just like a teacher lecturing her students, she says, "No, mom. He sacrificed his life to save the people and to save the city from evil." Woah, i was shocked. Laughed my head afterwards. 

Nice rephrasing babe. I forgot, yes heroes do sacrifice their lives for the good of many. Thanks for the reminder and a good wake-up call from my emotional shock stupor.

More smarty pants episodes to come....

Little Miss Different

I get her bottles of poster color. She just mixes them all together. I get her clay. She molds the most grotesque elephant with a yellow tusk. I buy her paper. She paints on a saucer. She is that cooky and different!  

She is unconventional as can be. But hopefully (fingers & toes crossed) in all the good ways. Come to think of it, she is growing up adapting my "kind" of thinking.  Somehow always going against the grain, unintentionally. Not liking what's commonly popular. Everybody loves britney. I have always hated her. Everybody loves coffee at Starbucks. I just need the free wifi. People throw away boxes, trinkets and ribbons. I keep them, for future "art" projects. Everybody's wearing plaid this year. I will NOT be caught wearing them. 

So Nina and I are different in our own ways. She was born on different circumstances to start with (no thanks to my unconventional ways, which i hope she doesn't go for). But that was how my journey went. Loved deeply. Suffered painstakingly. Now, living independently as can be! I'm putting all the stops to make sure we glide on smoothly on our journey together. With little bumps and bruises at some turns.

Hoping for the most part, that Nina and I, giddily whistle all the way to wherever our different "selves" take us. London perhaps?:)

"We take the road less travelled, and that makes all the difference"

- Robert Frost

A Really Good Friday

My birthday fell spot on during holy week. So we defied what normal strict Catholics would do, and opted for a different route.

Sofitel was the place. 36 is the birthday number. 3 kids, 3 adults, 1 Grandma and a Yaya spelt a cool relaxing day and night by the bay. Endlessly munching on "sneaked-in" chips and drinks versus the uber expensive P195 coke on the menu. Everything was a-ok, despite my 'leaving my digicam' at home fiasco...grrr. Saved by my sister in law's cam (have yet to get copies) and my cellphone's cam...all is well on my birthday date!

The swimming pool area is breath-taking....

The kids had a grand time....

While we had a relaxing time (for some parts, hehe)....

My Seafood dinner treat at "Cazuela", a pretty hidden restaurant near the hotel, was a surprising Grandma discovery. The Hefty Menu: (no photos, too bad) Chili crabs, Shrimps in Garlic Sauce, 15pc Tempura Shrimp (large ones, yum!), Halaan Soup, Grilled Tuna Belly. Thinking about makes my mouth water, a-gain! (Ulit ulit, hehe) Funny incident: The 2 Kids > Nina and Diego, slept halfway through dinnertime thanks to the whole day swimming, twister playing and running around. But was alive and kicking again once we got hotel-home. Whoa re energized!

For the good friday deed, tucked into our comfy hotel beds and comforters, we all (yes, even the kids) tuned in and watched CNN's feature on facts behind Jesus' Crucifixion and Life. Very insightful and intriguing. I appreciated we had that time to switch on Holy week mode suddenly.

Quick confession though, bro and i coincidentally had San Mig light and Strong Ice in hand while imbibing those Jesus facts. oops! Just a few swigs to complete our little b-day shindig.

Cheers! Happy birthday to me :)

The delinquent phase is over

Adorable faces like these.....

need more blog space. Pronto. :)

Onto a new campus

Nina did it! She passed her Grade 1 entrance exam. In my sometimes "in limbo" self, I absent-mindedly missed calling last Friday when there was a NOTE to remind us, parent/s. So the heck, I called this am. And indeed it was good news and a great way to start my "where do i go, what do i do" usual morning routine.

Great just great! Now, we have an interview on the 27th at St Paul. I gotta figure out though, how to wake Jeanina REALLY early for school. Imagine 730am , at school already? Hmm... Any suggestions moms?

For now, should quit worrying and start enjoying the summer with my little critter...

Stillness

You pulled away so far... so fast. Without looking back. Ever again.

And there was this stillness - an illusion of peace. That eventually evolves into the purest sense of peace one's heart can ever feel.

Like nothing happened, like no harm was done to us all. For now, i appreciate this stillness that stays with me and comforts me.

She's getting better.

Even a simple sore throat can worry any mom to bits. How about a severe one then?

Picture this.

I was up all night listening to Nina's half asleep mumbles of whining and crying about her throat. How it was hard to swallow. How she couldn't sleep. Poor baby. I kept checking her temp, and she gave out a cold feverish sweat every now and then. I finally told her at 2am I will bring her to the hospital. But she wouldn't budge and considering the time, she was too tired and sleepy for it. So DOLAN saved the night for me, for 4-6 hours at least. 

But once she woke up, her complaints resumed too. I can just imagine her pain. I HATED sore throats too! Your whole throat is swollen, eating anything tasty didn't help and every saliva-swallowing was damn painful. How about for my 6 yr old? Ugh torture. (10 times)

Knowing how "hospital addicitive " she can be. The next day, I brought her to our nearby hospital's ER. One of the things that really calms her down is going through a check up with her Pedia (this time,  an Er recommended one) and taking that all-too familiar trip to our nearest Mercury Drug Store AND her choice of breakfast at home.

I wanted her to feel better. I wanted her pain to go away. And if it required me to prance around in my unsightly leggings and oversized T-shirt (a result of panicking) from the hosptial to the drugstore...then so be it! Hail to Mommy Duties. I would do anything for her, as would any parent for their sick child. ( Just wish no colleague of mine saw me hahaha. Vanity. Grr.) 

After 3 days, the antibiotics has kicked in i guess. Plus the DOLAN helped big time. She slept through the afternoons (rarely does when she's well) and we sleep REALLY early at nights. 

I'm glad my talkative, zany baby is back. Jumping from the sofa. Chasing her paper airplane. Her endless cartoon topics. Eating 6x a day. I'm sooo happy.

Now if I can only refill my fridge soon......

I'd be extremely happy. :)

Computer Days

That would be Friday evening, Saturday and Sunday.

In my effort to spend less in the mall and spend more time at home, Nina and I have agreed on this computer playing schedule eversince she has started to educate herself with my mac and very much acquainted herself with my finger pad (is that what it's called?) just like a graphic designer pro.

Here in front of my laptop, Nina quietly (or noisily) spares me from her "I am bored" statements on repeat mode. Once she surfs for her kiddie online games and cartoon websites....."Aaaahhh, silence" :). Admittedly I'm no different from parents who buy PS2s, PSPs and P-whatevers of this world. (I just chose not to want to afford that). But they are actually "nannies" disguised as interactive gaming tools they actually can babysit any hyperactive child or further inspire laziness from your already lazy partner. LOL> Ooops, tongue acid on the loose.

Back to Jeanina, I let her enjoy computer days, to entertain her first and foremost. But it also buys me that much-need quiet time for myself really. That's not so bad is it? But it's true!

In all of Nina's whole-day stillness, Saturday has gone by pretty uneventful but very well. I cooked a mean Tinola lunch. Dusted some shelves. Munched on anything I can think of. Enjoyed a Six Feet Under ( last season ) Marathon. Made Nina's Test reviewer for her 4th Quarter exam. (Yes it's exam week. YES i let her play computer and yes I am THAT unconventional) Seems to work out for us even. Nina's consistently having great grades without my being such a strict ass on her.  

One worry out of the window there.

So....computer days will be here to stay then. Simple weekends like these with some snuggling, hugging and snorting in between make it all worth it.

She's shutting down tomorrow though. It's her playroom time at the mall! :) Weee! 

( Note : Movie time for mummy and sister too. Hehe.)

SIGH.

This morning Jeanina mentioned her "Dad" again, but somehow she tried to edit herself. She showed me the sign language of "I love you Mommy" with fingers wagging from her chin for "Mommy". CUTE. But she abruptly stopped herself. I asked,  "Why you forgot something?" She demoed it again and shrugged. I said thank you. Out of honesty, she just whispered "...there's supposed to be a "Daddy" sign after, but he's not here naman eh". Aww. (sighhh) 

It breaks my heart when moments like these happen. So i simply broke the ice by saying, how about "I love you Diego?" (her best friend cousin) and i waved my fingers from my nose ... and she laughed out loud. Whew. Hopefully "Daddy" thoughts could be erased from her mind for a long while please!

Jeanina has been such a big girl when it comes to understanding why "Dad" is not with us or why he doesn't call her all the time. I have instilled in her young mind that Daddy works very far away (lie!) and that it will just be the two of us all the time. I had to say something. I had to create a story. Before her advanced inquiries get the better of me. Or keep me off track. I had to be prepared, so now she understands or maybe "tries' to understand. 

Stranger Ex and me. Our story is not ideal and is filled with imperfections. We loved each other hard and long ... we made it look so easy but WE were just a figment of people's romantic notions. "It's complicated" is the best way to put it. It wasn't easier then and a LOT more now. It gave us our sweet Jeanina nevertheless, so go figure. 

How He regards her and how He really feels about her is pretty vague, no matter how nice he tries to be. But after an exasperating spat on the phone, he once told me, "I cannot be completely happy" when I told him to think happy thoughts about Jeanina. Inevitably, this might have been the appropriate answer from a committed man who has swallowed all the guilt and suppressed feelings, while hiding his big secret from his family. As if in agreement and fully understanding it,  I quietly took it all in, no matter how hurtful. It was true. Those words I had to excruciatingly accept, being the woman that I am/was in his life... who bore him that "secret".

There will be more possible "daddy" talks in the future and I just dread that. I just pray she would feel whole as a person despite the "incompleteness" of our family. This I know is every single mother's fear. Especially with "Stranger Ex" deciding on his own not to talk to me anymore and FOR ONCE fix what he needs fixing. No call, no support. No nothing. Zilch Nada. He answered my "How about Nina?" with silence, how great is that?? Sums about everything we meant to him for me! I am really on my own!

Deleting father facts from Jeanina's mind is just in order, don't you think? 

Thank god for family. Thank god for friends. Thank god for my baby, who helps keep my sanity intact.

Whew. Got all that out! A lighter topic next time, pls??!!

Clicking again

I bought a new digi cam. For this critter over here >>>>>

And she wouldn't even smile at me! How frustrating is that?? She was running away from me in this photo, explains the off center treatment here. Haha. Kids are just a challenge. Jeanina used to love playing around with me and smiling. I have caught some "smiley" moments on my phone cam, duh. But for this one, NADA. ZILCH. I had to force her to, on the next one saying she can't play on my laptop is she didn't. So goes the forced smile grrr.

Nevertheless, I'm excited to document anything and everything about her. She has done plenty amazing things in school (thanks to my busted old cam) I had to ask a mommy friend to to take pictures...always HAHA. 

So i finally got one, a simple CANON.

Just happy to say that, and wait for more pics to come...

:) Have a nice weekend!

It's pretty nice coming home to this...

These masterpieces greeted me at the very first hour of Valentine's day, lying on top of our dining table. I was sneaking in from a gruelling shoot (after a couple shoots more the past week) and this definitely put a smile in my heart, no matter how tired I was. The few back-aching days suddenly felt so much worth it. This has been our ritual "correspondences" between Jeanina and I every now and then. I vaguely remember anymore who started what, but this was our way of expressing ourselves and reminding each other (despite MY erratic work skeds or late-evenings) and remembering one another. In return, she scribbles notes for me complete with those adorable misspelled words, endless "i love yous" and signed with her latest aliases 'Naruto' or 'ben10' (whoever she was pretending to be that day)

Last time I wrote her was 2 days ago. I bought some brownies (one of her snack faves)  at a cake shop in Libis prior to my attending another shoot this week. Knowing I will never catch her awake because of my early call time the next day, I left a note that evening with my "pasalubong" for her saying "be a good girl" and "hope you enjoy this baby". These simple exchanges are great "thoughtful" substitute despite not spending enough time together last week. 

So the 14th was not a big deal really. For me. Especially for her. But in my mind, I just had to celebrate US somehow. In a not so fancy way but something she would enjoy doing. So to the arcade and movies we went! Playing her favorite games, munching on her favorite popcorn, watching a long-awaited movie ("Inkheart") and hugging her all-time favorite mom. (hehe)

Belated Happy Valentines Day friends! 

Hope you had great weekends!

I'm having a school girl moment

Remember that giggly feeling after your crush talks to you? Or keeping your composure for a bit, as he slightly pauses around where you're sitting? Or you find yourself gamely gushing over his simple jokes?

Yes! I'm feeling them again. Being an unattached single mom in my 30s, it's refreshing to NOT think about Jeanina and work for a change. This isn't making me a bad mom is it? We all need a fresh break from our Mommy modes every once in a while. Believe me, this is quite a while! So I'm  REALLY making a big deal out of it. I'm having this once-in-a-blue-moon fuzzy moment, so bear with me guys! (hehe) Just puke on the side if you can't take it.

Well admittedly, I crush on men often especially with obvious physical attractiveness. V is this mestizo-chinese guy with inexplicable sexy appeal and a nice physique. But when I found out he couldn't spell a certain "viand" word...big OOPS! Plus his money issues at work are simply a big turn off. Of all things, money sets how you are as a person in so many ways so....V is ticked off now. Another would be N, nice and quiet kind of guy. A friend of a friend's husband. He's more the dude at the backside of the group just laughing at people's jokes and on rarities can be conversational too. He has these "kanto" terms though , that i find amusing but obviously got me into thinking. If we would have a one-on-one conversation in the future, would it go "my kind" of way? Hmm...Next!

But apart from these occasional "crushes" going on around in my head, somehow Y's presence (no matter how infrequent) and oftentimes work-related, intrigues me. Y is not a hunk nor a "great looker". I've worked with him several times and i find his humor 'spot on' - which scores a biggie for me. He's cool. He's smart. He's confident of himself without being overbearing. He loves to drink, and I do too!  But above all, I love how his BRAIN works. Conversations with him flow so natural. If work talk surfaces he'd swift by it too without sounding "too" know it all. His subdued and unflirtatious (is there such a word?) demeanor lures me into liking him a lot more. So after that "work day" with him, I can confirm that he is my MAJOR crush.

If i were to summon the "law of attraction" for this part of my life....I really will with all my heart and all my brain cells. Lord let him like ME too...plsss! :) haha this makes me sound pathetic does it? Well, for a single mom not actively INTO dating...or not having the opportunity to be asked out - THIS is all I got really. THIS one glimmer of hope that somebody will like me, despite my "should i say" confidence, sarcasm, straightforwardness and that "always busy" kind of facade that probably (I'm assuming again) shoos men away from thinking I'm a really fun, approachable lady who also thinks of dating them! I remember I was once told, men get attracted to women who exude the vibe of needing a man. Is that true? Cause if it is, I'm a goner! Gosh, that's another blog topic right?  Oh well, such are first impressions...anyways back to my school girl thoughts....(HAHA)

Regarding my "work day" with Y, there were some moments that bugged me. Is sitting beside me (in between breaks) an indication of "liking"? Is giving me a "forced" frown after a funny joke i blurted out a sign? Is telling me to stay over for work "in jest" even if I don't have to , a teensy weensy indication he likes being around me? 

Oh i will never know...but this is the exciting part isn't it?! Single moms like me need this!

Somehow after my "Stranger Ex", finding this familiar feeling of chemistry is not so easy to feel again. This is pretty refreshing. To feel giddy and just be happy in this little way. Sigh (smile).

Let's see where my summoning the universe will take me. To be continued....

Daring Duo

Nina and I attended the yearly Fiesta luncheon at my Tita Betty's place in Kamias. It was fun. Food and booze all around, as usual. Karaoke in full blast. Everything looked pretty perfect.

But amidst the busy, continuous flow of guests, there were two kids who added to my stress that day. Oh yes, who else. My daughter Jeanina and Diego (my brother's son). Sure kids are fun to watch, but boy their hyperactivity and noise? They ran around like there was so much space (but not). Their boisterous naruto and karate dialogues was overwhelmingly attention-grabbing to all - it made me cringe several times. Worse, my older brother just ignored them so my mom and I "tried-in-vain" to stop them from their ruckus. 

In public, they never just stop! No one could make them sit in one place. But in the privacy of our homes, you could at least control them and give them the major "wide eye" look that somehow (eensy weensy bit) makes their excited hormones settle down a bit. 

So I say to cousins and other titas, "ganyan talaga sila" (that's just how they are). So we discuss amusing facts about our kids instead, but "their noise" I couldn't ignore (arg). 

But inspite their obvious hard-headedness at times, they are actually such sweet ones.  Such is mothering a pre-schooler, you love bringing them to parties BUT when rowdiness starts, I think "I'd want to take you home NOW"! And I mean, seriously. Good thing, our family understands these kinds of "kiddo" things and just laughed off their frantic antics. 

It's 4:33am

And I'm still inspired to write. I have browsed through one of the more insightful single parenting blogs in the net by mssingglemama and now I am ready to share my thoughts to welcome strangers and a handful of trustworthy friends of mine.

I feel the need to make this blog. For me and my incessant need to express. For my friends, who yearn for familiar feelings and more encouragement. Parenting a child /children on your own is never a smooth nor a simple task. But it is also not lacking of those emotional lifts that comes with joyful moments of caring for those adorable little critters. (hehe) 

I love being a single mom and have embraced the ups and downs that comes with it, for six years now. Did that just pass me by too quickly? Not really. Jeanina and I have created wonderful memories for ourselves. The little joys spent at home goofing around or even the grander ones like trips out of town. Things which I intend to plan for every year that Jeanina will still enjoy spending with me. (yikes, teen years) No matter how feisty she can be, she's just as emotional and expressive as I am. (in private, though)

She does many things that still make my heart melt. Something that I really love about her. Like yesterday when I came home from a whole day of work (which is unusual, since last week I spent working days at home),  I sit beside her in the couch watching TV. We already finished our tight hugs and "i miss yous". She looks up at me and makes this queasy little noises as if she's controlling her giggles and about to explode. She grabs my arms with her two hands and squeezes me like a stuffed bear. I say, why baby? And she finally squeals, "Hmmmm! I reaaaally really misss you eh." Awww. She couldn't contain her feelings and just says it all over and over again. I continue reassuring her, "Stop missing me I'm here already". So we hug tight many times over until her fuzzy insides subside. Believe me, it took a while. (an hour?)

And i do miss her too. Too much sometimes, I realize. Just two days ago, I found myself suffering separation anxiety looking at her school bus run past by my car. I stopped and sat behind my steering wheel, wiping some tears off and some tinge of regret that I wasn't the one to shower and ready her for school that day. The only thing that comforts me though is, I work on my own time and I can come home earlier than other working moms do. Freelancing was a personal choice more than a career move and most of my friends know that. I would not change it any other way now.  In my past full-time post, I found myself leaving home too early to see her awake and coming home to find her fast asleep. In the end, it bothered me a lot and realized that was not what I wanted. I am all she has and I want to spend time with her. So my freelance path began and still making it for more than 3 years now.  

"So far, so good."

My Jeanina and me? We'll be having fun (at home) and going places....together. Can't wait for summer really!