It breaks my heart when moments like these happen. So i simply broke the ice by saying, how about "I love you Diego?" (her best friend cousin) and i waved my fingers from my nose ... and she laughed out loud. Whew. Hopefully "Daddy" thoughts could be erased from her mind for a long while please!
Jeanina has been such a big girl when it comes to understanding why "Dad" is not with us or why he doesn't call her all the time. I have instilled in her young mind that Daddy works very far away (lie!) and that it will just be the two of us all the time. I had to say something. I had to create a story. Before her advanced inquiries get the better of me. Or keep me off track. I had to be prepared, so now she understands or maybe "tries' to understand.
Stranger Ex and me. Our story is not ideal and is filled with imperfections. We loved each other hard and long ... we made it look so easy but WE were just a figment of people's romantic notions. "It's complicated" is the best way to put it. It wasn't easier then and a LOT more now. It gave us our sweet Jeanina nevertheless, so go figure.
How He regards her and how He really feels about her is pretty vague, no matter how nice he tries to be. But after an exasperating spat on the phone, he once told me, "I cannot be completely happy" when I told him to think happy thoughts about Jeanina. Inevitably, this might have been the appropriate answer from a committed man who has swallowed all the guilt and suppressed feelings, while hiding his big secret from his family. As if in agreement and fully understanding it, I quietly took it all in, no matter how hurtful. It was true. Those words I had to excruciatingly accept, being the woman that I am/was in his life... who bore him that "secret".
There will be more possible "daddy" talks in the future and I just dread that. I just pray she would feel whole as a person despite the "incompleteness" of our family. This I know is every single mother's fear. Especially with "Stranger Ex" deciding on his own not to talk to me anymore and FOR ONCE fix what he needs fixing. No call, no support. No nothing. Zilch Nada. He answered my "How about Nina?" with silence, how great is that?? Sums about everything we meant to him for me! I am really on my own!
Deleting father facts from Jeanina's mind is just in order, don't you think?
Thank god for family. Thank god for friends. Thank god for my baby, who helps keep my sanity intact.
Whew. Got all that out! A lighter topic next time, pls??!!
