SIGH.

This morning Jeanina mentioned her "Dad" again, but somehow she tried to edit herself. She showed me the sign language of "I love you Mommy" with fingers wagging from her chin for "Mommy". CUTE. But she abruptly stopped herself. I asked,  "Why you forgot something?" She demoed it again and shrugged. I said thank you. Out of honesty, she just whispered "...there's supposed to be a "Daddy" sign after, but he's not here naman eh". Aww. (sighhh) 

It breaks my heart when moments like these happen. So i simply broke the ice by saying, how about "I love you Diego?" (her best friend cousin) and i waved my fingers from my nose ... and she laughed out loud. Whew. Hopefully "Daddy" thoughts could be erased from her mind for a long while please!

Jeanina has been such a big girl when it comes to understanding why "Dad" is not with us or why he doesn't call her all the time. I have instilled in her young mind that Daddy works very far away (lie!) and that it will just be the two of us all the time. I had to say something. I had to create a story. Before her advanced inquiries get the better of me. Or keep me off track. I had to be prepared, so now she understands or maybe "tries' to understand. 

Stranger Ex and me. Our story is not ideal and is filled with imperfections. We loved each other hard and long ... we made it look so easy but WE were just a figment of people's romantic notions. "It's complicated" is the best way to put it. It wasn't easier then and a LOT more now. It gave us our sweet Jeanina nevertheless, so go figure. 

How He regards her and how He really feels about her is pretty vague, no matter how nice he tries to be. But after an exasperating spat on the phone, he once told me, "I cannot be completely happy" when I told him to think happy thoughts about Jeanina. Inevitably, this might have been the appropriate answer from a committed man who has swallowed all the guilt and suppressed feelings, while hiding his big secret from his family. As if in agreement and fully understanding it,  I quietly took it all in, no matter how hurtful. It was true. Those words I had to excruciatingly accept, being the woman that I am/was in his life... who bore him that "secret".

There will be more possible "daddy" talks in the future and I just dread that. I just pray she would feel whole as a person despite the "incompleteness" of our family. This I know is every single mother's fear. Especially with "Stranger Ex" deciding on his own not to talk to me anymore and FOR ONCE fix what he needs fixing. No call, no support. No nothing. Zilch Nada. He answered my "How about Nina?" with silence, how great is that?? Sums about everything we meant to him for me! I am really on my own!

Deleting father facts from Jeanina's mind is just in order, don't you think? 

Thank god for family. Thank god for friends. Thank god for my baby, who helps keep my sanity intact.

Whew. Got all that out! A lighter topic next time, pls??!!

Clicking again

I bought a new digi cam. For this critter over here >>>>>

And she wouldn't even smile at me! How frustrating is that?? She was running away from me in this photo, explains the off center treatment here. Haha. Kids are just a challenge. Jeanina used to love playing around with me and smiling. I have caught some "smiley" moments on my phone cam, duh. But for this one, NADA. ZILCH. I had to force her to, on the next one saying she can't play on my laptop is she didn't. So goes the forced smile grrr.

Nevertheless, I'm excited to document anything and everything about her. She has done plenty amazing things in school (thanks to my busted old cam) I had to ask a mommy friend to to take pictures...always HAHA. 

So i finally got one, a simple CANON.

Just happy to say that, and wait for more pics to come...

:) Have a nice weekend!

It's pretty nice coming home to this...

These masterpieces greeted me at the very first hour of Valentine's day, lying on top of our dining table. I was sneaking in from a gruelling shoot (after a couple shoots more the past week) and this definitely put a smile in my heart, no matter how tired I was. The few back-aching days suddenly felt so much worth it. This has been our ritual "correspondences" between Jeanina and I every now and then. I vaguely remember anymore who started what, but this was our way of expressing ourselves and reminding each other (despite MY erratic work skeds or late-evenings) and remembering one another. In return, she scribbles notes for me complete with those adorable misspelled words, endless "i love yous" and signed with her latest aliases 'Naruto' or 'ben10' (whoever she was pretending to be that day)

Last time I wrote her was 2 days ago. I bought some brownies (one of her snack faves)  at a cake shop in Libis prior to my attending another shoot this week. Knowing I will never catch her awake because of my early call time the next day, I left a note that evening with my "pasalubong" for her saying "be a good girl" and "hope you enjoy this baby". These simple exchanges are great "thoughtful" substitute despite not spending enough time together last week. 

So the 14th was not a big deal really. For me. Especially for her. But in my mind, I just had to celebrate US somehow. In a not so fancy way but something she would enjoy doing. So to the arcade and movies we went! Playing her favorite games, munching on her favorite popcorn, watching a long-awaited movie ("Inkheart") and hugging her all-time favorite mom. (hehe)

Belated Happy Valentines Day friends! 

Hope you had great weekends!